Rules of the Ship

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Rules of the Ship

Ship rules: By Cap. Smith and #1 Kilroy
1. If it is worth doing, it is worth doing boldly. But sometimes you can get away with lacking boldness, if you can convincingly lie about it later.
2. The person with the biggest rack gets to be in charge of something.
3. If the Captain or the 1st mate fall behind, they do not get left behind even if they were wearing a red shirt. Everyone else will be on a case by case basis.
4. Never hate you enemies because it hurts your judgment.
        6.4 Unless, they are giant d-bags, then hate away.
5. Like a midget in a urinal, always stay on your toes.
6. Always tell the truth, especially when lying
7. Sometimes telling the truth is the right approach in an emergency, but you should probably try something else first.
8. Do us a favor… I know it’s difficult for you… but please try not to do anything… stupid.
        8.1 Do not get hurt
        8.2 If you must get hurt, don’t bleed.
        8.3 If you must bleed don’t get it on the ship.
9. If someone looks familiar, but you are not sure where from, ask yourself if you previously threatened them or they you. It is rude to forget either way.
10. Dress Code: never dress in a way that would require yourself to kick your own ass if you saw your reflection.
11. Some people can’t believe in themselves until someone else believes in them first. Captain John Smith is not one of those people. (not really a rule, as much as an interesting tidbit).
12. The proper gun for killing wolverines is a 12 gauge.
13. Never tell me the odds, unless you are lying about them to make us all sound a lot cooler when we pull it off.
14. If you’re not willing to sound stupid you’re not allowed to be an officer
15. There’s three ways to do things, the right way, the wrong way and the way that I do it. Close your eyes and pretend it’s all a bad dream. That’s how I get by.
16. Sometimes the simplest idea can make the biggest difference, but people will think your smarter if you make the plan sound more complicated
17. If you’re good at something never do it for free
18. Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death? If you answered yes, then you get this pretty red shirt.
19. Sometimes the truth isn’t good enough, and people deserve a bit more.
20. You can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest.
21. Always be prepared for people to do something incredibly stupid.
22. Always give lip service to the prime directive, but ignore it whenever doing so is more interesting.
23. If there is going to be shooting try to shoot first, and hit what your aiming at.
24. Genocide should at best be plan B, unless their d-bags (see rule 6.4)
25. The Captain and the 1st Mate are too pretty for God to let them die. Ask yourself if your that pretty before you do something stupid.
26. Any plan that requires getting rid of all the alcohol will immediately be vetoed.
27. Don’t complain about the captain’s plans unless you have a good one your willing to let him take credit for.
28. Do not bother another man’s fog machine.
29. In lieu of a Gideon Bible, a copy of the Batman Handbook has been placed in your crew quarters, read it
30. If you’re going to eavesdrop be polite enough to not get caught, otherwise it is awkward for everyone.
31. There is a difference between understanding and comprehending (we just haven’t figured it out yet).
32. The first officer will sign all reports “F. Off” for first officer.
33. If in doubt, it is perfectly acceptable to do what any of the following people would do: Han Solo, Chuck Norris, Capt. Kirk, Capt. Picard, Capt. Sisko, Garak, Indiana Jones.
34. It is the job of everyone to remember where we parked.
35. Anyone who says anything along the line of “this couldn’t possibly get any worse” will be beaten with a blunt object.
36. It is possible to commit no errors and still lose, at least that is what you tell people if you do lose.
37. Fate protects fools, drunkards, and John Smith (fate is redundant)
38. Believing oneself to be perfect is only a sign of a delusional mind if one is wrong.
39. The truth is often just an excuse for lack of imagination.
40. Everything everyone does is more impressive if they are on fire.
41. If someone tells you “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for” they are lying.
42. You should not always resort result to violence, but if you do and it doesn’t solve the problem then you’re doing it wrong.
43. If someone tries to kill you, then you kill them right back
44. Our default answer to whether to respond to an unexpected distress signal is to ignore it.
45. If something smells funny and you have never seen it before then for the love of God do not put your face close to it.
46. If the person has a hot female relative then let the Captain know.
47. Given the choice between the red or blue pill, take both, fortune favors the blitzed
48. Use of nukes is never subtle.
49. If the Captain ever gets a toupee, no one will say anything.
50. It is not ok to kick the puppy, kitten, baby, etc. (This shouldn’t have to be a rule, but just in case).
51. Collateral damage is sometime unavoidable, but it is unlikely to be the mission goal.
52. If someone dies due solely to their own stupidity then sing them an Oompa Loompa song tribute if feasible.
53. We will try to avoid plans whose primary strategy is “hope they miss a lot.” However, this is a fine secondary or tertiary strategy.
54. Puns are only funny if they are done by Shakespeare or a higher ranking officer.
55. If we find a Genie then our first wish will be that he grant our wishes in the spirit intended and not screw us over.
56. If we warn you that Gun Bunny might blow your balls off it isn’t a euphemism.
57. The line for sex on your personnel records are not for keeping score.
58. Remember how stupid the average person is, then consider that half of the people you meet are dumber than that
59. Plan B is not necessarily twice as much firepower as Plan A, but that is likely to be what we go with if want think of anything else.
60. Proper threats involve the threatened person’s mother and/or kindergarten teacher.
61. All battle stations have built in seat belts, use them
62. All crewmen are equal, some more equal than others
63. Any unknown species even remotely resembling Tribbles will be immediately jettisoned into space.
64. Spiking the punch with sodium pentothal is a recipe for disaster.
65. Distracting the bad guy does not mean shoot them repeatedly, or set them on fire, and probably not the guy next to him either.
66. If we must pillage and burn, then pillage first.
67. If our bomb technician is running while swearing run with him.
68. We should always be able to tell the difference between friendly fire and support.
69. Everything can be air-dropped… once.
70. A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.
71. Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.
72. Don’t be afraid to shoot someone in a fair fight, or if you think they might eventually try to start a fair fight.
73. The enemy of my enemy is just my enemies enemy, and he might not like me either.
74. A little trust goes a long way, the less you use the further you go.
75. Never cheat, unless you think you can get away with it. So, really don’t get caught.
76. No such thing as overkill. There is just open fire and reload.
77. Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Take his fish away and tell him he’s lucky just to be alive, and he’ll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow.
78. If someone stabs you in the back look at the bright side, at least now your armed.
79. The Captain is allergic to being destroyed, it makes him break out with nonexistence.
80. The amazing thing about gravity is that it seems to work every time.
81. Chocolate, lying, stealth, pre-emptive violence, and being really far away. These are 5 great ways to avoid getting hurt.
82. If someone wastes their amazing talents on proving how amazing they are they’re still amazing.
83. A true leader never makes decisions alone because if things go wrong there would be no one to blame.
84. Try not to get into a gun fight in engineering.
85. If only one possible solution can be found to a given problem then it is probable a very simple problem, or a very stupid plan.
86. Never tell the truth when a lie will do just as well
87. Someone who tells you a good deed is its own reward is probably trying to cheat you or sell you something.
88. If anything bad happens because social media was being updated then somebody is getting fired. As in, violators will fired, out of a canon, into the sun.
89. We are much to bold to be trapped in the drudgery of outdated tradition. To demonstrate our boldness the Captain and the 1st Mate will be the first to evacuate instead of going down with the ship.
90. If you do something that is stupid at the time but works, then post hoc it is brilliant.
91. If our enemies are in range, so are we.
92. Anyone who salutes an senior officer during combat is volunteering to be that officer human shield.
93. The direct path isn’t always booby trapped, but that is the safest assumption.
94. If at any point we believe the ship to be haunted, then all women shound investigate in their undergarments.
95. If someone needs a defibrillator and it doesn’t work, then the best way to make their heart start beating again is to scream “You can’t do this to me! I love you, goddammit!” at them while pounding on their chest.
96. Creepy music coming from a graveyard will be investigated.
97. If a prophet delivers cryptic warning we will politely ask them to rephrase it more simply. If they refuse, then a five-year-old child (or his mental equivalent) will be asked to explain the meaning of the prophecy.
98. We will not keep information secret in order to avoid mass hysteria. If you don’t know what is going on then it is because you are unimportant, or you don’t really need to know, or we don’t like you, or we haven’t had a chance to tell you yet.
99. Listen to everything the Captain or first officer says, take notes if necessary, there will be a quiz later
100. When no appropriate rule applies, make one up.

Rules of the Ship

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